PASTA

So I really, really, really like sugar. France has a really, really, really lot of readily available sugar in millions of delicious forms. Can you tell where this is going? I assure you, you are wrong.

Well, at first you're probably right. I have been eating A LOT of sugar and fat here. And I gained weight, because the world is stupid like that. This is very uncool, so I was like, "I should probably stop eating so much sugar and fat." Naturally, that wasn't enough, because I'm me. I needed to make a documented plan in writing to accomplish this. I'm exercising plenty, so I decided the best plan was very simple: Eat Less.

I started counting calories, and set a daily calorie allowance. This allowance was reasonable and healthy, but it did require me to cut down the calories I eat on a daily basis by a considerable amount. I've done this many times in the past, and usually it is not particularly dramatic/does not involve caveman behavior. The key word here is "usually."

My brain apparently now rebels against cutting calories. I've been rather mean to my body and been like "NO CALORIES EVERR!!!" several times, and so it was like, "NO" when I said we should cut calories again. My body is quite sure that cutting calories=starvation=death. So as the days went on and I kept this calorie deficit running, I started to get hungrier and hungrier.

Today I was starving all day. I was starving for hours and hours. I distracted myself with exercise, which made me even more starving (it seemed like a good plan in my hypoglycemic mind). I just needed to hold out until dinner...maybe I'd drink the ocean...saltwater is really nasty and I think I just swallowed a plastic bag...but there, now I wasn't so hungry anymore...why was the world glowing?...Istanbul...monkeys...

Eventually, it was FINALLY dinner time. We were having pasta.

Emily took the spaghetti noodles off the stove and told me to get my pasta out of it. This is where everything got kind of intense. I saw the pasta. My brain was like, "YOU NEED TO EAT THAT PASTA RIGHT FREAKING NOW." I was like, "Okay, chill, I'm going to put some cheese on it." My brain was like, "NO. EAT THE PASTA. EAT IT!!!! EAT IT NOW!!!!! OMG YOU NEED TO EAT THE PASTA!!!!!!"

Now, if your brain was doing this to you, you'd just give in and eat the pasta too. So I just started eating the pasta. The plain pasta. With my hands. My roommates hadn't even gotten it out of the pot yet. Luckily I'd somehow gotten the pasta in a bowl (I have no memory of this), because shortly after that, I ate so vigorously that the pasta somehow slid out of the bowl and onto the ground. This was probably because I was sort of swallowing the pasta (to bypass chewing, that obviously takes too long) while walking down stairs. I know this sounds like a fun challenge, but before you go try it, you should know that it has significant downsides.

My brain, crazed by hunger, started screaming, "IT DOESN'T MATTER!! PICK IT UP OFF THE GROUND! EAT IT WITH YOUR HANDS! EAT THE PASTA! EAT THE PASTA! EAT THE PASTA!!!!"

My life wasn't in danger, but you wouldn't have known that from the way I ate that pasta. I picked it up off the very dirty ground and, fully aware my previously plain pasta was now seasoned with Dirt and Soil Mix, started shoving the pasta into my mouth. My roommates stared at me like I was some sort of wild animal. I was some sort of wild animal. A deranged one. Possibly a deranged wildebeest that has been fed only silicon memory chips for seventeen weeks and then been injected with speed. And then been given pasta.

After several mouthfuls (mmm..crunchy dirt flavor), I managed to put the pasta back into the bowl long enough to try to put cheese on it. This was a bad plan because my brain was really, really, really fixated on eating the pasta. There was never anything as important as eating the pasta was at that moment. My entire existence was dependent on eating the pasta. And eating the pasta RIGHT FREAKING NOW. You think I am exaggerating. I assure you, I am not.

I ended up sort of shoving the cheese around in the dirty pasta with my hands because I couldn't be bothered to get a fork and then continuing to down the pasta like I hadn't eaten in several years and pasta was the most amazing food known to man.

I finished the dirty pasta. I'm still under my calorie limit.

And I'm still hungry.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Love,
Lizzy ;)

PS-Yeah, back earlier than expected...but don't expect any sort of regularity, I'm very busy and only get the internet in one inconveniently-located room here in the French Riviera and may end up eating my computer. Is plastic low in calories? But when I get back to the U.S., I promise I will have many great posts because you guys, this is like the craziest adventure ever. It even beats the one time when the break pads turned into eggs and rotted.