how to argue

So, usually my english reading assignments from Readings for Intensive Writers are long and boring 20-page research essays on an obscure topic I don't care about. So imagine my surprise when this morning I opened up my textbook and read this (some parts have been edited out for the sake of length):

Dave Barry: How to Argue Effectively

Dave Barry won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary in 1988. In 1975, Barry joined Burger Associates, a consulting firm that teaches effective writing to businesspersons. He spent nearly eight years trying to get various businesspersons to stop writing things like, "Enclosed please find the enclosed enclosure," but he eventually realized that it was hopeless.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People knows this and steer clear of me at parties, often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

DRINK LIQUOR
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you are drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshots enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian ecnomy. You'd be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insight and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

MAKE THINGS UP
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove the Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up the exact figure. If an opponent asks where you got your information, make that up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

USE MEANINGLESS BUT WEIGHTY-SOUNDING WORDS AND PHRASES
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Quo
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for, "I speak Latin, and you don't." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win an argument talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians quo Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.

USE SNAPPY AND IRRELEVANT COMEBACKS
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponent when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody other than engineers and policy wonks has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comeback: You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865." You say: "You're begging the question."

COMPARE YOUR OPPONENT TO ADOLF HITLER
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectactularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say." or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull this on people who generally carry weapons.