As I'm sure you've discovered, I am not "most people," no matter how hard I try to be. When I focus, terrible things happen. Random anxieties take over my brain. I'm paralyzed and unable to do anything. Life becomes a vortex of fear and...fear.
Instead, in order to function like a real human, I have to make sure I never use more than half my brain capacity. Whether I'm driving, dancing, or taking a test, I must be certain I am never focusing, because otherwise everything goes down in flames.
So I listen to music. A LOT. This is a perfect distraction and as long as I try very hard to listen to the words of every song, I usually can drive without dissolving into tears because I'm not absolutely positive that I'm not too close to one line or the other.
This is not a perfect distraction because today's radio plays two things: religious music and horrifically morally unsound music. Thus, I am forced to listen to either, "Hallelujah, I serve my King," (not kidding, sadly), or "in my head, I see you all over me, in my head, you fulfill my fantasy." Obviously I chose a tame one because this blog is PG, but they get far worse than that.
So, I've decided to install a special kind of hearing aid into my head that plays various nature sounds at high volume and random intervals throughout the day. Not nature sounds like "ocean waves crashing" or any of that stuff. Nature sounds like, "super annoying seals barking loudly at random intervals."
You, too, can live your life at half capacity! Call today for the free Non-Religion-Related-or-Immoral Brain Distractor! If you call now, we'll send in a live seal free of charge!
But wait! There's more! Call now to receive not just your Brain Distractor and your live seal, but also seventeen real oceans! There will never be a deal as good as this. Call today to start living your life halfway.
Love,
Lizzy
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