how to: secure a boyfriend

You know what I really hate? The word "boyfriend." I don't know why. I just hate it. But in spite of this pertinent and life-changing fact, I have one. A boyfriend, if you will. And since I have successfully secured 2, count 'em, 2 boyfriends in the history of my life, this naturally makes me an expert, and so I've decided to share my endless knowledge. Because I Care.

Step One: Leave Your Basement.
         If you are currently living in a basement like a hermit, subsisting off of Rainbow Chip frosting and watching every episode of every season of 30 Rock, STOP THIS MADNESS. I don't care where you go, anywhere is better than that basement. *Pro Tip: Attend a basketball game. You should only ever date people who love basketball.

Step Two: Be Yourself. No Matter How Utterly Absurd Yourself Is.
         I bet you think I mean what everyone else means. FALSE. Everyone says "just be yourself", but what they mean is "don't pretend you are Astronaut Mike Dexter, but make a good impression." I am living proof this is not true. I make terrible first impressions. Just today I met a guy for the first time, we talked classes/major, and he asked me if I knew a professor by the name of Ross. I replied glibly, "Yeah, I do Ross." I did mean, "Yeah, I do know Ross," but really you need ALL the words in a sentence. Or else it will not mean what you intended it to mean. The point is, who cares? Be yourself.

Step Three: Talk. Endlessly. 
          You know what, you know what that means. I'm just going to move on.

Step Four: Make Your Original Boyfriend/Fiance/Husband Leave You.
          Polygamy is not a widely accepted practice in most developed nations. You cannot date multiple people at once. So whomever you're dating, don't leave him for another guy because that's mean, but do make him leave you. If you are me, this will require absolutely no effort on your part (see Step Two).

Step Five: Refuse To Figure Out How You Feel About A Close Male Friend.
            There is nothing close friends of the opposite gender love more than not knowing how you feel about them. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? Do we want to be more than friends? Would becoming more than friends cause the world to explode? Don't answer any of these questions. Repeatedly say, "I just don't want to hurt our friendship," "I'm not sure how I feel," and "I just want you to be happy." Close male friends love to be told these things.

Step Six: Randomly DTR.
             DTR means, "Define The Relationship." This clearly needs to be done, but don't do it in a normal way. Randomly drop it into a conversation. The next thing you know, you're dating.

There you go. As for keeping a boyfriend, well, you're on your own there. But aren't you glad I shared my endless knowledge?

Love,
Lizzy ;)