my life: the bad and the ugly

Today has been...interesting.

It started off okay. I went for a run (I'm training for a 5K and working up to a triathlon, though I was temporarily derailed by injury). I got a fairly good haircut at Paul Mitchell The School.

Then things went downhill. The desk I've spent the past two weeks, countless hours, and a great deal of emotional energy on was ruined in the rain, then sort of repaired by my mom and stepdad, turned out to be interdit (not allowed, the French word is just way better) in my new apartment. As Clad would say: Suck. After finding out this not-so-happy news, I then accidentally stepped on my precious notebook. I heard a telltale crack, and found a mark in the screen as though I'd shot it with an invisible bullet that hadn't broken the plastic, but rather the actual LCD of the computer.

After calling around, it will only cost $100 to fix. However, this whole machine cost me $300. So $100=crap. Suck. Negative emotions.

Keep in mind, this is after finding out that BYU plans on keeping all my scholarship money and grants until at least the 27th, even though my first and last month's rent, utility bill, and parking permit (a total of $730) is due on the 25th (in two days). Also I have to fix my computer. And school starts the 30th.

And oh, wait, I have Celiac disease. Good bye bread, cookies, cake, and basically all food always.

I have not actually cried, but I definitely want to. I feel like my life is a facsimile of a sham, and I haven't got a thing funny to say about it.

I will come back and be positive later. Right now, life just sucks.

Love,
Lizzy.

yet another reason i am not normal

Most people need their full brain capacities to function. It's like in Karate Kid, where he has to focus to do well.

As I'm sure you've discovered, I am not "most people," no matter how hard I try to be. When I focus, terrible things happen. Random anxieties take over my brain. I'm paralyzed and unable to do anything. Life becomes a vortex of fear and...fear.

Instead, in order to function like a real human, I have to make sure I never use more than half my brain capacity. Whether I'm driving, dancing, or taking a test, I must be certain I am never focusing, because otherwise everything goes down in flames.

So I listen to music. A LOT. This is a perfect distraction and as long as I try very hard to listen to the words of every song, I usually can drive without dissolving into tears because I'm not absolutely positive that I'm not too close to one line or the other.

This is not a perfect distraction because today's radio plays two things: religious music and horrifically morally unsound music. Thus, I am forced to listen to either, "Hallelujah, I serve my King," (not kidding, sadly), or "in my head, I see you all over me, in my head, you fulfill my fantasy." Obviously I chose a tame one because this blog is PG, but they get far worse than that.

So, I've decided to install a special kind of hearing aid into my head that plays various nature sounds at high volume and random intervals throughout the day. Not nature sounds like "ocean waves crashing" or any of that stuff. Nature sounds like, "super annoying seals barking loudly at random intervals."

You, too, can live your life at half capacity! Call today for the free Non-Religion-Related-or-Immoral Brain Distractor! If you call now, we'll send in a live seal free of charge!

But wait! There's more! Call now to receive not just your Brain Distractor and your live seal, but also seventeen real oceans! There will never be a deal as good as this. Call today to start living your life halfway.

Love,

Lizzy

paper.

So guys. I am for realsies writing this paper for publication.

How on the friggin earth did I get myself into this?

Right now I am sitting in a windowless lab...wait, I lied. There's a window. It's right in front of my face. Haang on, that's impossible. We're in a basement and there is an office on the side of that wall the window is on.

....

You guys. The window is actually a mirror. They stuck a mirror in the wall and made it look exactly like a window and then they actually hung up sad, beige "curtains" that look suspiciously like berber carpet.

They actually built a completely implausible fake window in here.

Who am I, and why am I unable to just not either attempt to overachieve or stop caring about everything entirely? I guess I can cut myself some slack. Some of my reasoning for staying ridiculously busy is because I desperately miss Clad. Let's be honest, it's kind of sucky when half your life goes to Japan.

Almost as sucky as fake and stupidly placed mirror/windows.

On to the figures section...

Love,

Lizzy ;)

lizzy hates thin.

That's right. I hate our cultural obsession with thinness. I think it is not only stupid, pointless, emotionally destructive, and physically harmful, but I actually believe it is downright evil.

Think about it. When's the last time you ate a doughnut without feeling guilty? Or drank -gasp- real (non-diet) Coke? Or had as many candy bars as you wanted?

There's plenty of scientific proof to back me up. I'm not going to go through and post it all because I'm already working on two other research papers, but once I'm done with my mood disorder prevalence and longitude study, I'm going to scientifically prove this to the world. For now, though, just use rational, clear-minded thinking.

Does it make sense to spend your entire life trying to lose weight? Does it make sense to make yourself miserable with constant dieting followed by the guilt of not dieting? Does it make sense to exercise compulsively every single day or to feel guilty for not doing so? Would you like to continue living a life where you "really shouldn't" eat what you love? Does it make sense to regard food as an enemy rather than fuel for your body? Would you attempt to shove a size 8 foot into a size 6 shoe? So why would you try to do that to your body? Is thin really worth it? Does thinness really equal happiness? Is there no more to life than the way you look?

You guys, I'm giving you a challenge. I want you to eat whatever you want. ANYTHING. As much of it as you like. For an entire month. That's right. August is Free Eating Month. If you want to eat an entire cheesecake, you go girl. If you want to eat seventeen bowls of pasta, awesome. Just do it.

There's only one condition: you have to actually enjoy eating it. As soon as your body and mind are no longer enjoying eating your cheesecake or your pasta, just stop. There is no pressure to finish.

That's it. That's your diet. Eat what you want, as much of it as you want, when you want it. Yes, you can eat after 6 pm. Yes, you can choose to eat only Hershey bars for a week.

If you don't feel safe doing this, well, you probably never will. But test the following reading material (all of which is backed up by science--trust me, I'm a research analyst--and is stuff I have myself read.)

Please, for once in your life, ignore all the crap the media and our culture is telling you, and just live your life.

and for the record, the last time I did this, i lost 10 pounds and kept it off for months--until i freaked out and started dieting again. you do the math.

Reading Material: Intuitive Eating; Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin; Love Your Body, Love Your Life.

The Computer Gods

So I currently somehow got myself involved in two research studies, both involving statistical analysis. I don't really know what I was thinking. I blame some new medication that makes me feel really weird and randomly fall over. The thing is, though, I've never actually taken statistics. Or any math. Since college algebra/trig my junior year of high school.

Because they are maybe high or really really hungover, my professors don't seem to mind that I know nothing about statistics. They will calmly ask me if I can "run a regression analysis on the GDP and MDP. Actually, run a regression analysis for all the data. And have it to me by Friday." And, because I am maybe high or really really hungover, I go, "Okay."

Which leads me to my point: The Computer Gods. Stats has some cool programs that do things like regression analysis for you, even if you have no idea what is going on. The problem is that you have to input random letters and numbers and symbols in order to make the program give you some incomprehensible data that you bring to your professor and pretend you know what it means.

Here is a typical conversation between me and The Computer Gods:

Me: I need a P value. What the heck is a P value. I don't know. Well, look, some code off the internet. Let's see what it does.

Input: [pnorm]

Computer Gods: ERROR!! ERROR!! YOU MADE AN ERROR! HEY LOOK YOU MADE AN ERROR!!!!

Me: I'm sorry! Okay, okay. Look, some more random code.

Input: [pnorm-1(2.19)

Computer Gods: ad;lfjeawo;i5u349020932 refl;aksdj standard+** F2 elr3 x = 23. 15 % 3#@) N.

Me: Copy. Paste. Okay.

Love,

Lizzy

lizzy's love affair with stayfocused

how i feel when i attempt to do homework

Did you know that sometimes I hate homework so much I want to kill it with fire? You think I am exaggerating, but I assure you I am not. When I sit down to do homework, my blood turns into burning and becomes intent on destroying everything in the world. This is somewhat problematic. After attempting to do my homework for about six minutes, I become a rage-filled war machine. I have thoughts of burning down my school, becoming a sniper, or taking up pickpocketing, all to avoid having to complete college. You can imagine this is quite depressing, so naturally I get into bed and watch six episodes of House, M.D. in pitch blackness eating anything covered in chocolate and with no nutritional value and then it is 3 am and I still haven't done any of my homework and all of it is due in 4 hours and I am back to never getting a degree and pickpocketing.

This is also when my procrastination cycle kicks in, except it is all, "Who cares about steps one and two?!! I hate steps one and two!! I am going to skip directly to step 3 and make that last as long as steps one two and three combined!!!!!"

Thanks to being a robot of doom every time I try to do homework, I have watched every episode of every season of The Office, Gilmore Girls, and 30 Rock. Actually, I have seen every episode of every season of Gilmore Girls and The Office three times now. And some 30 Rock episodes twice.

Because I am brilliant and there is clearly some glitch in the space/time continuum, I have so far managed to get away with almost never doing my homework. But one day I realized how SHOCKINGLY GENUIS-Y I could become if I actually DID my homework.

This is not a small feat to accomplish. How does one defeat becoming a rage-filled war machine from the inside?

Naturally, my first thought was, "Let's install something new on the computer!" That is where I met StayFocused. If you have the internet browser Google Chrome, you can install mysterious things called "gadgets" that do stuff to your computer like tell you when you get an email or predict your death. You can also install something called StayFocused. StayFocused is like your mother, if you mother is an all-knowing robot controlled by computer programming. You can type in websites where you waste time and set a time limit on them, and when your time is up, it will kick you off. For the entire day. You can bypass StayFocused, but it requires thought and work and if you are the type of person that needs to install StayFocused, you know you won't do work to try to avoid work. That is clearly counter-counter-productive.

I installed StayFocused and put an hour per day time limit on three sites: Facebook, Blogger, and housemdvideos.com. "Now I will HAVE to do my homework out of sheer boredom!" I thought.

StayFocused has kicked me off of all three sites today and I still haven't started my homework. I am actually resorting to writing this blog offline to avoid doing my homework.

I'm still underage as far as owning handguns…how hard do you think pickpocketing really is?

Love,

Lizzy

the ultimate anti-creepster technique

Have creepsters got you down? Are you tired of being hit on at the grocery store, the Cougareat, the creamery, Walmart, on the street, and basically everywhere you go? Do you feel like a magnet for balding men with a shockingly blatant lack of shame?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you probably think you've tried everything to get rid of creepsters. From the really intimidating blank stare to hiding behind the Country Time display, you have tried and failed over and over again when accosted by strangers with creepy smiles and sad pickup lines. You've probably wished disfigurement was something you could take on and off at will, because maybe that would deter this lineup of potential rapists...or worse, computer science majors*.

I HAVE THE ANSWER!

I give you...the raptor impression!! If you act exactly like a velociraptor, which by the way is a word not recognized by my computer's dictionary and that shows how scary it is, no creepster will dare come near you.

You are welcome.

Love,

Lizzy

PS: You do have to act exactly like a raptor. This includes sound effects and lunge-walking, and a facial expression that could break glass (be careful around office buildings.)

*I do not mean any offense to computer science majors. You are all fabulous people I am sure. I am just making fun of you because let's face it, you basically make yourselves targets for mocking. I'm sorry, that's just the way the world works.