everybody just calm down. the world is not over.

I really appreciate how concerned and supportive you all are. I just wanted to reassure you that I am fine. Things are fine. Everything is just good. Okay? I feel like every time I post anything on here, everyone thinks I'm suicidal and the world is ending. Ya'll are a touch overreacting. I am a tough girl. I am like the girl on True Grit. Only prettier. And blonde. And not so dusty. And without an accent. And my father didn't get shot. And I am not out for revenge on my father's murderer. Okay, okay, the only thing we have in common as that we're tough. But I am tough.

Really. Even though I post negative things on here sometimes. That's because those are the only things of note. It wouldn't be interesting to tell you I went and got french fries with Abbie and Mikelle. But that happened, and it was fun and good. Just because I didn't put it on here doesn't mean it didn't happen. This blog is not my life.

So if we could all just take a deep breath, calm down, and maybe temper our reactions a tad, that'd be great. Because I'm good! Really!

Thanks,
Lizzy ;)

well, there's good news, and then there's bad news.

I've decided to start with the bad news, so we can end on a cheery note.

Chad and I broke up. It was his decision, not mine. I don't understand why. Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are. I've been nothing but faithful and supportive, I've never so much as held hands with another guy or even been on one single date since he left 14 months ago. I've been writing and emailing, and as far as I can tell, I didn't do anything wrong. Just a month ago he was all, "I can't wait to marry you" and all that crap. So yeah, no idea what caused this.

The worst part was he didn't even tell me. He told his mother. She ended our relationship on Facebook, so I actually had to call her to find out why and hear it secondhand. I didn't exactly react with shining colors, and it wasn't my proudest moment. But I don't really feel bad. I'm kind of glad she's angry with me, because their family holds grudges for all of eternity and so I couldn't get back with him even if he wanted to. Which he will. Because this is what he does. Although he's never broken up with me before...

It's....you know, it sucks. Big time. I feel like a huge fool for trusting him. I wish I had listened to the signs and chosen rationally rather than trusting my heart. But he asked me to marry him, for goodness' sakes. It's not as if I ever expected this to happen. I still don't know why.

But I'm permanently done. It's over. I've asked him not to contact me again at any point. We are not staying friends, and most of his immediately family has either deleted me or blocked me on Facebook. That hurts, but it's definitely conclusive. You know everything I know, so please no questions, and pity and sympathy really bother me. I'm not ready to talk about it. Thanks for respecting that.

The good news is, I got a job! I'm working Mondays through Fridays from 10am to 6pm for a company called Ancestry.com. I'm essentially indexing records for money. It's a good job, and I'm glad to have it. I will likely continue with that job and work 20 hours a week during the school year, if I like it. I hope I will, it seems like a great place to work.

Love,
Lizzy.

new plan: marry a rich old guy who dies and leaves me a million dollars.

Well, so once upon I time I'm retarded and I hit a building with my car. It's not as bad as it sounds; it was an abandoned storefront and I only broke one window panel. I had reversed into a parking spot and I was waiting for a friend. He came out and got in the car. Forgetting the car was in park, I hit the gas lightly. To my surprise, the car went slightly backwards. Sometimes my truck has a transmission problem where you have to give it a bit of gas to get it to start driving. I assumed this problem was happening and the truck was rolling backwards. So I gave it more gas. To my intense surprise, the truck began moving backwards more rapidly. I panicked. The further backwards I got, the more I floored it, because I just couldn't comprehend why this was happening. Then I hit a building.

I was really really really really upset when it first happened, because guess what, I'M BROKE. Absolutely 100% flat broke. I can't pay for a freakin' new window, I can't even buy groceries. Thankfully my mother, who admittedly has done her fair share of that sort of thing, was very understanding and did not kill me.

However. Things got more complicated when somehow, instead of going through me, whoever the crap owns the abandoned storefront started going through my mom and stepdad. Since no one ever told me anything, I just waited to hear back from them. Then my mom said they were handling it. No one ever told me anything still. Yesterday my mom said they'd been busy and hadn't gotten around to it and could I get some quotes. Today I met with someone to get a quote.

Guess what. The window is repaired--and they decided to fix the whole storefront while they were at it, and are going to charge me for the whole thing.

Now I have to come up with 5 grand. I have NO POSSIBLE WAY to do that. I have tried everything, absolutely everything I can possibly do to get a job. I have applied everywhere. Everywhere. There is no savings, I've been out of work for 2 months.

There is no solution. Just kill me now.

still no job+ultimate road trip!

Well, still no news on the job front. However I did have an interview yesterday at Ancestry.com, and it went pretty well. It was many times better than a number of job interviews I've had. You see, my resume is fairly impressive, and I've gotten a lot of interviews off it. Unfortunately, I am unable to mimic human behavior for twenty minutes in order to have a normal interview.

My worst one was probably the one I had last week. It was for an HR position at BYU Broadcasting. I am qualified for the position, but when I went in for the interview, I suddenly realized my brain had decided to take that particularly inconvenient moment to go on vacation. Whatever entity it left behind lacked the ability to coherently answer even the simplest questions. Every question I was asked, I would just start talking, and five minutes later realize I had no idea where the sentence was going, I hadn't answered the question, and I'd just said, "I put the most important things first" at least five times. I think during the course of the interview, I said, "I put the most important things first" at least 27 times. Needless to say, I did not actually get the job.

But this interview yesterday, I had all of my mental faculties firing on all pistons. I think I managed to pull off a professional, if a bit shy, interview. The lady seemed to like me, and I really really really hope she hires me. I'll hear back by next Thursday. So everyone pray, okay? I need this job.

Because! Yesterday we also planned our road trip, which we will be taking from August 8th-17th. Four girls. Five cities. Nine days. It will be...

the ULTIMATE ROAD TRIP

Abbie, Mikelle, Cajin and I will be driving from Provo to Abbie's home in Great Falls, Montana, to Mikelle's home in Deer Park, Washington, to a friend's wedding reception in Salem, Oregon, to a friend's wedding reception in Eugene, Oregon, to Jesse and Marcus's homes in Tillamook, Oregon. 

Holy cow it is going to be intense. 45 hours of driving and 2600 miles. Awesome. But I can't go unless I get a job, and fast. Cross all your fingers and toes for me!

Love,
Lizzy ;)

babies, boulots and buckets

this is a baby in a bucket. which is not what this post is about, but it is cute, no?

I want a baby. I don't know why, because I'm only 20, which seems very, very young, doesn't it? I feel much older than 20. But in any case, I want a baby. I suppose it's my biological programming, but I also think it's just me. The truth is, for all my brains and BYU studies, all I want to be is somebody's wife and somebody's mom. That's all I really want, and all I've ever really wanted. I got to talk to my sweet little cousins last night, and it just made me so happy, and so want a little boy or girl--or preferably both--of my own.

In French, a boulot is a job (as opposed to a career) that young people have for short periods of time. I desperately need one of these, but despite the fact that I've applied for every job I'm possibly qualified to do, and heard back from a number of places, no one will hire me. I can only conclude this is some sort of test or learning experience meant for my good, so I'm trying to learn whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning in the meantime. So far, I've mostly learned not having a job is stressful, and makes you very angry when other people eat your food. You may even leave angry notes on all of your food. Your roommates will be scared, but not enough to stop eating your food.

The good thing about not having a job right now is that I've been able to spend a lot of time with my dear roommates/sisters/wives/daughters Mikelle and Abbie, whom I love very much. I have also been able to concentrate on my calling as Relief Society Secretary (Mikelle's the 2nd counselor, it's a lot of fun), which I really enjoy and gives me a sense of purpose and satisfaction. 

The buckets part of this post is that that's how much it's raining. Buckets. I do not enjoy it. 

Finally, I am happy because I got to talk to Jesse for an hour and a half last night. He's my best friend (and no more--don't go getting any ideas) and I just love talking to him. I know to many people it seems like we're unnaturally close for just friends, but the truth is, I'm in love with Chad, and only Chad. Jesse knows it, has known it from the day he met me. He accepts that, as he puts it, "when Chad gets home [he's] going to have to give [me] up", and is really supportive and great about it. Really. But Chad's not here right now, and in the meantime, it's really nice to be able to have someone love me for who I am, and listen to me, and be there for me. Someone for whom I don't have to be strong, or confident, or perfect--I can just be me, and that's enough.

I still really miss Chad, though. A lot. I try not to think about it most of the time, but every once in awhile (like when I was talking to Mikelle at 2am last night), it hits me like a ton of bricks. Not a lot of things make me cry, but that'll do it every time. 

I'm really so grateful for the people in my life right now, though. My new roommate Kim is pretty great as well. She's very easy to be around and friendly and I'm glad she's my roommate. I love laying on the floor talking to Mikelle until super early in the morning. I love climbing mountains with Abbie in the dark. I love laughing on the phone with Jesse and Marcus. I love making button flip flops with my mom. I love talking to my adorable cousins. I love dinner with my grandparents. I love running errands with Janelle and watching stupid music videos with Shamae. 

I'm very lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life. And for this moment, I can smile about that.

Love,

Lizzy :)

PS-I let this blog go public again. :) 

it's rain, mikelle. water that falls from the sky.

weirdies posing. from left: me, abs, jesse, mikelle, cajin

It has been raining here. For days straight. I don't really mind the rain, per se. I don't have anywhere to go really, so it's not too bothersome, and it's not raining hard enough to cause any real problems.

My life is full of people, of my adopted families, Abbie and Mikelle and Janelle and Janelle's family, and of my real family--or, at least, the ones left in Utah. I'm the Relief Society Secretary in this ward, and so I have responsibilities there and I spend a lot of time with the girls in our ward. I've been meeting lots of new people in this new ward, and so I get the chance to try to describe myself, or some parts of myself, to someone who knows nothing about me. You learn a lot when you have to try to explain who you are to a stranger. I learned that I don't actually have hobbies or interests. I go to school, I work, I do research, and I spend time with people. That's it. There isn't anything else in my life. And I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

The problem is that people are transitory. They come, they go. We're with them for a brief moment, and then our paths split. I do not like the splitting of paths. I would like everyone I love to live within 10 miles of me, forever. But they won't, and that's a hard thing for me to accept.

So maybe, I need a hobby.

Love,
Lizzy ;)

change, change, it's time for it.

Well! So after these last few boring and depressing posts, I've decided that things are needing to have been having changing. That sentence was intentionally confusing, for the record. What I mean to say is, things need to change.

So here it is, the grand resolution post. Tomorrow I have to finish my part of the research paper and get it back to Dr. Hedges, I've taken wayyy too long on it already. And I have to work. For 2 hours. At least. Preferably 3. And I need to go to the gym. And I need to eat actual food that has some nutritional value. And I have to get up before 12, even though it's 1 am right now and I won't be asleep for another few hours.

None of these things are easy, even though theoretically I think they would improve my quality of life. Hmm. So it begins. But I've committed to you guys, so here goes nothin'!

Love,
Lizzy ;)

PS, did I mention I miss Jesse? Sigh.