DON'T PANIC!

panic! at the disco. photo unrelated to this post. but a good band.

Hello, all two to three people who read this blog.

I am the kind of person that cares about individuals, so I'm going to give you some difficult news. Sit down. Get a drink. And whatever you do, don't panic.

I am going to be gone for the next 3 weeks.

Okay, there. It's out. Are you okay? STAY WITH ME! IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT! TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT YOUR FEET UP! (this is what I learned you should do when someone is going into shock. Thank you, Girl's Camp.)

I'm going to be driving around in a giant bus (I'm not driving, sorry, I hope you didn't go into shock again. A bus driver will be driving. Or maybe the bus will drive itself; that would be cool. But probably a human will be driving the bus. A human that is not me. Do you understand now? Good.) to see the countryside of Western France, and then I'll be in Nice for a week, and then in Rome for another week. So I think internet access will be spotty at best until I return to the Etats-Unis on June 21.

Hang in there. I've got some great ideas saved up for you for when I get back!

Love,

Lizzy

Dear Grocery Store: I Hate You. Here's Why.

Dear Grocery Store,

In case you didn't know, I have paralyzing social anxiety (see Grocery Store pro/con list). This means that I usually live in my room, terrified to venture outside to talk to people or purchase vital substances like jewelry and sometimes food. People that know me in real life will probably be surprised to read this. "But you're so outgoing!" they'll say. They clearly have never been to a grocery store with me. I avoid visiting the same store twice because getting to know the cashiers means they will notice what I am buying. Then buying tampons will be awkward, and they will look down on me for needing 3 bags of chocolate covered marshmallow koala bears and a 6-pack of diet Coke on a daily basis.

It is even worse when I live in France, a country full of spite and hatred. Is French not your first language? You are clearly an idiot!! How did your two-week old brain NOT know that it needed to learn French rather than the language everyone around you was speaking?!

Today I succumbed to near-starvation and went to the grocery store to buy a sick-pack of diet Coke and some bread and cheese (I bought the koala bears yesterday, and I happen to know all 4 cashiers AND the manager, so I had to switch it up before they started refusing to support my sugar habit). It was all going fine until I got in line. The guy in front of me mumbled something French. I laughed "knowingly," because 90% of the time that gets me out of trying to understand whatever it was they said.

Of course, the other 10% of the time, the person stares at me blankly like I am high or possibly a sociopath because what they said was, "I'm homeless and my grandmother just died and I'm a persecuted minority in my country and I have a severe life-threatening medical condition that you are personally responsible for." And there I am giggling quietly while becoming suddenly fascinated by an invisible, but clearly enthralling, thing that is the opposite direction of their face.

This particular incident was part of that 10%, because my laughter did not satisfy the man. So I had to ask for clarification twice, but thankfully there were no R's in the sentences I used to say, "Sorry, I couldn't hear you." So he didn't know I didn't speak French natively!! I was winning!! Eventually I got that he'd said, "You have beautiful eyes." "Thank you," I said, as quietly as possible, because that DOES have an R in it. "You don't have to thank me, it's just a fact," the man said creepily. I giggled idiotically some more to avoid having to respond.

The man finished paying for his Red Bull and said, "Au revoir!" "Auvoir," I mumbled rapidly. The man looked surprised and laughed. "Ohvwah!" he mimicked my accent, "I like it. What country are you from?" "The United States," I said, as though admitting I was a Nazi in a past life. Admittance of American nationality is in and of itself is grounds for lifelong hatred, you know. I ended up having to repeat it several times until I was shouting, "ETATS-UNIS!!!" at alarming volume. "But I'm not American!" I joked in French, attempting to redeem myself.

Things get hazy here because I'm not exactly sure what happened. I think the cash register thought this was funny and started going along with my joke, saying, "It's not like that! Haha." The man was laughing too. But really I don't know if they were laughing AT me or WITH me, so I said, "You French, you're all mean," hoping this would either A. Make me look cool for understanding I was being mocked, or B. Sound like a joke because I understood they were joking with me.

I haven't the slightest idea whether I in any way succeeded, but I walked home feeling like a complete idiot and my cheese tasted like garlic and failure.

And this, grocery store, is why I hate you. Please find a new way to provide me with diet Coke and glucose.

Thanks,

Lizzy ;)

gymnasts, pirates, and VELOCIRAPTERS! LOL!

this was taken at Disneyland Paris, inside a pirate cave, with the prompt being "Look like a pirate!"

There aren't really any velociraptors in this post. It was mostly a joke, I'm very tired. And when I am tired, I am virtually drunk. Seriously, just ask the guy on the RER train who was cracking up at us as we staggered into it last night at 1 am. Nothing says, "I'm completely wasted!!" like shouting, "Why is everything so funny right now??!" through tears of laughter. The effect is even better if, due to your staggering inability to walk in a straight line and simultaneously being on a vehicle moving at 200 mph, you've actually fallen on the ground of the train and said something really strange like, "OMG, it's the ghost of Mickey Mouse!!"

Anyways. I am now getting to the "gymnast" part of this post. At one point in my life, I was in really excellent shape. Then I stopped doing colorguard, and things sort of went in a.... different... direction. One time this really uppity gymnast was all, "Hey, let's go run around that lake." And I was like, "No." And she was like, "Come on, it will help you get back in shape." I became very aggressive and defensive and pulled out my evil eyes. "I AM IN SHAPE!!! I RUN TWO MILES EVERY DAY!!!" I extrapolated. "Well, you don't look like it," Ms. Perfect Gymnast Champion of the World sneered. This is a scarring event I will never be able to forget. It is burned onto my memory, like the actual scar that I burned onto my hand once while I was ironing. Also the scar from where I burned myself making cookies that one time. And the scar from when I poured boiling water onto myself in an attempt to stop burning myself on a hot mug.

My brilliancy amazes even me sometimes.

You know, I feel like when I sat down to write this, I had some sort of point...

Love,

Lizzy ;)

paris, the city of...culture shock?

Paris and I have had a rough relationship.

It started almost 4 weeks ago. Of course, it was love at first sight. "Everyone speaks French!" I thought, "How charming!" The food was amazing! The strange way the toilets flushed was so quaint! The Metro was the coolest thing I had ever seen in my entire life! EVERYTHING was unimaginably BEAUTIFUL!! The Eiffel Tower was the EPITOME OF BEAUTY AND JOY!!!!!

Then about two weeks into it, things started to wind down. WHY did EVERYONE have to SPEAK FRENCH ALL THE TIME? WHY was there NO NORMAL CHEESE? WHY did the Metro smell like eggs and flatulence? WHAT HAPPENED TO CHEMICALLY ALTERED FOODS AND TRANS FATS?

Em and I lived our lives out of a dull sense of obligation. "look. something else really old," I would say. "yeah. cool," Em would respond. "want to see the Eiffel Tower tonight?"

"Not really. I'm tired. I don't get what the big deal is anyways. It is like a building, whatever."

"Yeah," she'd agree.

I wanted to break up with Paris for a little while. I wondered why I'd come, why I had left the land of warmth, the ability to drive cars or walk for five minutes without getting totally lost and accosted by Tunisian strangers, and Wendy's.

Luckily, I stuck it through, mostly because I'd paid Paris several thousand dollars already. And sunshine, unicorns and rainbows, hurray!! Today we were AMAZED! We were actually INTERESTED! Old things actually WERE cool! We were in Paris, hurray! We went shopping, we laughed, we even bought and ate our own French cheese. It was an epic moment for us.

Moral of the story: whatever you are dating, when, after a few weeks, the beauty and joy wears off and you desperately want to run back to a land where people speak the same language as you, stick it out. It is worth it.

Well, maybe not if you're dating, like, Cheyenne Wyoming. Then you should probably just break it off right away.

Love,

Lizzy ;)

baby you'll be famous chase you down until you love me

If this boy weren't 12 years old, Clad might have reason to worry.... As it is, I am just in awe. Someone please get this kid a contract so that I can become his groupie.

Love,

Lizzy ;)

procrastination: at least i'm not in denial

A while back I posted Allie Brosh's procrastination chart. Since I'm currently procrastinating, I decided to get more specific with the 5 Stages of Procrastination.

Stage One: Denial

You feel safe and secure. You don't have stuff to do. Well, you have stuff, but it's not due for like two weeks. You have plenty of time. In fact, it would be a bad idea to start doing the stuff now. You are sure there are negative repercussions. "I work better under pressure!" you say loudly, usually to people who don't care and are confused by your psychotic outbursts.

Stage Two: Pain and Guilt

You haven't done any of your stuff, and now all of it is due tomorrow. What happened to all your time? You hide your deep-seated feelings of worthlessness by pretending you meant to not do the stuff all along. "I work better under pressure!!" you scream hysterically. Fellow patrons of the library look at you, pretending to be shocked, but you are sure they secretly all know how lazy and useless you are.

Stage Three: Anger and Bargaining

You still haven't done of the stuff, but that's because your boss/teacher is a horrible person for giving you this stuff to do. They are TRYING to make you miserable by giving you stuff to do. Your life is a facsimile of a sham. You shouldn't have to do the stuff at all. Maybe because you're a good person, you'll make your teacher/boss a steak instead. That is much more useful than doing the stuff.

Stage Four: Crippling Depression

You still haven't done any of the stuff, and now it is late and you know you will be penalized for not doing the stuff. You are convinced your life is pointless and you will always fail. You still don't do any of the stuff.

Stage Five: Ulcers and Panic Attacks

You suddenly feel a violent compulsion to do the stuff. You stay home from work/school for days to do the stuff. You do 80% of the stuff. Suddenly, you feel much better. You are such a winner!! You feel you should now reward yourself by not doing any stuff indefinitely.

REPEAT UNTIL DEAD.

Love,

Lizzy ;)

attention a la marche en descendre du train

Today Em and I were on our way home from Versailles. We'd taken RER C and needed to switch to Line 13 Asnieres Genevilles/Saint-Denis.

We were right in the middle of the end-of-workday rush. The trains were so packed, people were smashed up again the glass on both sides. The gendarmes of the Metro were standing by to shove people into the train. Or pull them out before they got crushed by the automatic sliding doors.

We rushed onto the platform. Just then, the ominous EEEEEERRRR sounded. The terrifying noise the trains make when the doors are about to close.

We knew the next train would be no less crowded. Did we dare risk being crushed in the doors as we tried to fight our way onto the train?

I've been terrified of "the sound" since we first arrived here. Could I overcome fear of the EEERRR?

I did it. The merciless doors slammed closed where, just milliseconds before, my body had been.

I have won the EEERR.

Love,

Lizzy ;)